It's a Cold, Hard, Binary World

Hey, this isn't a blog about politics, it's a blog about food. But maybe we can look at the world the way our Prez and his party's candidates for Next Prez do: a moralistic view of the universe, good versus evil.

Let's say it's the fruits versus the vegetables. Now, it's well known that fruits rule the world. They're creative and funny; they have a sense of style. You might not want one to share your foxhole, but you'd be hard-put to attend a non-fruity theatrical performance.

Vegetables, on the other hand, are dark and leafy, vaguely crunchy unless they're cooked to a state of limpness.

And what of the animals, you ask? A reasonable question with a quick answer: there is no "third way." Animals are for infidels, period. Eat an animal and you will surely die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Those Spanish "terrorists" McCain thought he was talking about, obviously bovine.

George Bush, he's clearly a fruit. Thinks he's a virile banana, even though he surrounds himself with bad apples. McCain, poor sap, got knocked off balance while unloading a six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch (he's not sure how big, but he's sure that the fundamentals of our banana-boat economy are sound). The moose-hunting Miss Sarah, on the other hand, clearly Yukon. Not genuine gold, though. Fool's gold. Dross. Let's call a spud a spud: she's an under-ripe tuber, best left underground in the cold, hard tundra.

The Dems, they're light-weight celery-snackers. Biden's a carrot smoothie, enriched with wheat grass. Obama's a leafy arugula salad, or a spinach soufflé. Something for sophisticates at the Elitist Café, like Bananas Foster flamed tableside with brandy imported from France.